Tired of hating

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I am not a big fan of using the word "hate". I also don't like that I use it and think about it a lot for the past year and a half.

These are what come through my mind on an almost daily basis: "I hate that they said that to me", "I hate that they acted like that", and "I hate that people ask me these questions all the time", to name a few.

It then turns to: "I hate everyone around me", which makes me very ungrateful for everyone and everything that have been supporting me throughout these times.

Which then turns to: "I hate myself for feeling this way", "why can't I be more grateful", "why can't I let that go", "why can't I move on from it. Stop holding on to things for so long. It only destroys you.", etc.

Lots of internal hatred. I have been trying to journal, do yoga, and be more mindful, but gosh, it takes forever, and it only takes me one hateful thought to come back to where I was, "full of hate" again.

My brother asked me: "Do you feel that you are superior to others and that you think you should tell others what to do?". I didn't realize I was telling people what to do. To me, I was just sharing my thoughts and what I think of whatever was being discussed.

I don't know if he was being closed to challenging questions or tired of me asking questions all the time. I was just being me, and I say things when it doesn't feel right to me.

I understand that I need to work on myself, find peace within myself, and work on it. Maybe I don't have to keep blaming myself all the time. I can be a bit more patient. I will keep trying for sure. But gosh, it is taking a long time.

In case you feel similar at all, let's work on being patient with ourselves.

I hope I'll be able to control myself to not snap, because it happened before, and it wasn't worth any of it.

A reflection I had recently that I hope I remind myself again and again: I hope that I remember the nights full of stars, a peaceful and quiet environment when I appreciate life and remember that life is bigger than these problems I'm facing. That I can take some breaths, rest, and come back to continue solving things when I'm almost ready (because I am never fully ready). :)